Tyan's Photoblog
'What's a smart woman like you doing at home?'
Posted by tyan (Singapore, Singapore) on 30 August 2007 in Abstract & Conceptual.
This is the title of a book my friend,Rebecca recommended for reading but i have not got myself a copy yet. Meanwhile,thought it is quite an appropriate title for my post today.(I did not infringe on any copyrights did I, Rebecca?:p)
In an sms conversation with an ex-colleague some weeks back,she commented that I had 'talent' and that it was such a waste that i was staying at home.
I actually was quite affected by her comment. She is not the first though. Caleb's nanny told me she is 'amazed' [not sure if that was a compliment] that i could stay at home though i have a degree and earning a good sum.
In other words, I am a real fool to stay at home. You know what the word 'waste' means? If you throw superior grade bird's nest(real delicacy here in Asia,fyi) to the dustbin,when it could be given as say a gift to a respectable individual,you'd say 'what a waste!'
If one uses a Rolls Royce as a garbage truck,you'd gasp and say,'Gosh,what a waste!'
So when somebody tells you,'You are talented and it is such a waste that you are staying home to care for the kids',what does that mean?
Means the children are not worth for one who has 'talent'[whatever that meant], gone through university and earning a decent sum outside to stay home to care for them.
Do you think so?
I told my friend,'no,it is not a waste to nurture my children. I am putting my 'talent' to good use.'[Though i must admit i am struggling like mad inside to say this,lol]
Not long after,Somebody posed me this question:"So are you finally going back to work?"
I was not in the mood to do any lengthy explanation so i just gave a convenient answer:'Not decided yet'[I was thinking to myself: Staying at home is WORK!]
Next she said,'You've got to work(so we have different definitions of WORK here),so as to have enough for the children's expenses in future,to have savings in your account,and it wont be so tough on Lawrence to earn the money alone.'
[I must have given the impression that i am again at home filing nails and watching daytime soaps,because hey,how tough can these get right?? So it is tough for hub to go out and earn money and it is not tough for me to stay home and care for the kids 24/7??]
She says, 'You've got to work so that you can stay in touch with teaching.'
yeah,stay in touch with teaching and be out of touch with my kids?
She says, 'Part time or full time,as long as you are gainfully employed.'
Somebody help.
She says, 'Why dont you do part time?You do half load,and find another one to do half load.
Maybe i can go photostat myself to do the 'other half'. As if the other half is so easy to find.
Then she continued,'Get a good maid who can help you[and may i add this,get a good maid who will help you raise your kids,influence your kids,be mom to your kids, be the one whom your kids will spend the most and best part of their days and when lightning strikes,they will run to the maid rather than to you]'
She continues:'How can you not have any money? '
I am giving tui...[NOTE: I havent even finished my statement]
She says, 'Giving tuition is not good! No CPF,no pension,and the students dont pay on time!'
Shucks,earning an income through tuition was supposedly my trump card to critics like that. Fell flat on my face.
She implied, 'By the way,staying home is for women whose husbands are doing real well, then they can afford not to work and stay home. '
!@#$%^&*)!@#$%^&
I shall not bother to elaborate on what this person said in a record time of half an hour.
It was quite an one-way conversation actually.
Very strangely, the people who criticise stay at home moms are mothers themselves.
SO what do we do from here?
I like a quotation a fellow p/blogger,Kairospix once gave me:
Quotations from Eleanor Roosevelt, wife of President Roosevelt...
There are practical little things in housekeeping which no man really understands.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
If a kid turns out bad and rebellious,the mom gets criticised for not holding a tight rein on her kid.
If a mom decides to stay home so that she can spend her best times nurturing a child,she gets chided for staying at home and breaking her husband's neck.
Oh well.Some people can never be pleased.
I dont even know whether caleb and Ian will turn out 'well' as a result of me staying at home.
I dont even know whether they will be 'filial' in future and appreciate all that we have done for them. I cant control it anyway.
All i know is this: God has given us 2 kids. It is our responsibility to nurture them. At the end of the day,to hear 'Thy good and faithful servant!'
Just because I do not do what she thinks is the norm,doesn't mean it is wrong!
But i should have expected it. She has to criticize the way i dress, the contraceptives we use, what names we give our kids, how we raise our kids, who will raise our kids, what i feed my husband and kids and the list forever goes on.
I dont think she will ever realise the amount of sacrifices i have to make to stay at home for the kids, not as if she cares anyway, and it is ok even if she doesnt recognize that and the effort i put in to care for my family, [just stop telling me how i should live my life and bring up my kids your way. We have different priorities in life].
My dear sister told me the road less travelled is often a lonely one. The Wright brothers wanted to invent something that can fly and everyone laughed at them as if they were fools. Look what they have done for humankind today.
I am talking to myself though. Save lengthy explanations from people who do not even allow me to complete my sentences.
Jim Elliot, martyred missionary to the Auca tribe, said it well when he said this(Though a slightly different context),
'He is no fool who givess what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.'
Jayne from Singapore
Hi Tyan, being a SAHM myself, I truly understand what you're saying and feeling. :-) Let's have a group hug! haha.. and live the life we choose to the fullest! (Wanqing here.. your neighbour once upon a time...)
30 Aug 2007 5:16am
@Jayne: hi Wanqing!Yes of course how can i forget you?lol,my sis told u abt my blog?Yes,all SAHM unite!hahaha.Yep,may we be the best moms we can be,but it will be nice if i meet less cynics like that.Life is hard enough,lol.
Shakara from United Kingdom
Whatever makes you happy or is right at the time should be done ... do not let people and their comments steal your focus .. It is a touchy subject though !!! Nice picture well laid out and apt..
30 Aug 2007 7:11am
@Shakara: thank you very much Shakara,for your affirmation!:)
Maria Little from Belgium, Belgium
One thing I've learned in live (is to try) and follow what you heart says..
It's a pity that society gives so much presure.. and that we can't do anymore what is the most normal thing in live.. give birth and raise our children with love and spend as much time with them as possible.. for God's sake, it's nature..
Unfortunatly, I think a lot of people see them children as a product they delivered..
Take care,
Maria
30 Aug 2007 7:16am
@Maria Little: you are right Maria!Having children and then raising them is a very natural thing.But today,it has become very unnatural and those who do it are despised and 'tsk-ed' upon[at least here in my country]. I dont know what the world is coming to.thanks so much for coming by and leaving behind kind words,i really appreciate it.:)
Shutterbug from Chennai, India
Tyan, that's deep. I'm glad u said that! And who said being at home doesn't mean WORK! :(
30 Aug 2007 7:57am
@Shutterbug: thanks Shutterbug.Sadly,a lot of people think that staying at home is the easier way out:(
Joanie from Singapore
Just remember what God charge us women to do...
To raise them up in the fear of the Lord....Who can do a better job than us?
30 Aug 2007 8:48am
@Joanie: thanks joanie,i wish 'she' understands.
Lorraine from Gatineau, Canada
They are envying a fantasy that does not exist. Love for your child makes you hurt and keeps you busy in a way no other person, except for a mother, will ever be. I had no choice but to work, being a single parent. My job was great, involved a lot of hard work, with lotsa stress about babysitting issues or when my son was sick, and still, it was much less work than being at home with my son. There is no harder work, no deeper love then a child. Still some people will prefer working, others will make a decision not to. Both have grounds, nobody has the same life. But no one can judge another's decision. You've made the perfect decision for your baby and for you.
30 Aug 2007 9:03am
@Lorraine: thanks Lorraine,for sharing,you are right,all of us make decisions based on our grounds and nobody has the right to judge. It must have been tough for you to support the family alone and i really admire your courage to plow on and share abt it at am3!thank you very much!
Viewfinder from Bradenton, United States
Speaking from the confused mists of that "other" gender, as a man I can only marvel sadly at the foolish insensitivity of that other woman's comments to you, tyan. She no doubt was speaking out of her own insecurities.
What I notice here about you is that you are first a woman of faith, who loves her family (children and hub) with a love that grows from that faith, and who is highly competent in mothering, photography, is multi-lingual, caring, friendly; and when she chose to teach and work outside the home, was probably excellent in her field. Your choice to stay home or to work is yours to make; you are correct in not allowing that silly woman (or me or anyone else) to define you or your worth. There is only One who can do that, and he gave himself up for us all.
Bravo, tyan.
30 Aug 2007 11:56am
@Viewfinder: thanks VF,for your very kind words. I am particularly struck by your words that there is only God who can define our worth and he has given his own life for us.It reminds me that my worth is not in what i do,but the worth that God sees.So whether i am working or staying at home,i am still his child and i must not allow anything/anyone else to define my worth. Thanks so much! The world places so much value in financial security and self-worth that it is very tiring to swim against the tide sometimes. After a while,one asks, maybe the rest of the world are really right and i am wrong? My friend tells me,'The road less travelled is the road trod by few,few will do it,few will understand.'
Rebecca from Leicester, United Kingdom
Hi tyan babe :), (putting on my rusty 'lawyer' hat now :) lol) nope, i don't think you're infringing on copyright here *-) . indeed, methinks this is a SUPERB post (and i LOVE your photo too. :-) ) i enjoyed reading every word and deeply appreciate all your reflections, so meaningful, so thoughtful and so caring, unlike your critics who don't seem to care enough about what really matters in life! well, as you've rightly pointed out, don't let them run your life.
totally agree with the very wise quotations you've shared here. you're very right to heed these very wise quotes (and the very truthful and loving words of all your Am3 friends here :-) ) instead of the shallow lines of reasoning from those others. And we are blessed babe, knowing you as friend, one who thinks and cares deeply, rather than shallow and hollow. Way to go, girl! :)
30 Aug 2007 12:13pm
@Rebecca: thanks babe,for your v kind encouragement..yeah,i din expect am3 friends to respond so warmly to today's post..my sis was telling me what a long post this is and i wont blame anyone for just looking the pic and then click 'next',lol.But am very touched by all your comments,thanks for your kind words,somehow it is always very reassuring to hear from you because you have been there too and i knew you'd understand perfectly.:)
Shrig from New Jersey, United States
Hey Tyan. I came from a home where my mother stayed with my brother and I all day. Once we were in school full time she took on a part time job. I am most glad that she did so. Many of my friends are stay at home mothers as well, and while I don't know how they do it, they are doing a teriffic job, just like yourself. They not only handle the children and the housework, but they have hobbies and other things to do as well.
About your critics, don't let them get you down for a moment. You know what you're doing is the right thing to do, although its not for everybody, it is a choice that all mothers must make. What is important is that you and your family are happy- and it seems like you are. So don't let them bother you, your mind and education will always be there, your children will grow up fast and leave the nest.
And you know- even Mother Theresa had her critics.
Take care, Tyan. :)
30 Aug 2007 2:32pm
@Shrig: thanks Shrig,i really appreciate your very heartwarming words.I am happy to hear from someone who is so supportive of stay home parent because you have enjoyed the benefits of having one.My parents worked and i remember feeling very sad every time i go home to an empty house.Cook meals for myself,and no one to share the happenings of the day with..sometimes my mom was so busy she put me to stay with my aunt and i remember my uncle's 'not again!! look'.thanks for telling me mother theresa having critics as well.Now i know i am perfectly normal:)
alla from Toronto, Canada
Wow, thanks for sharing your story.
It's so true - "You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't". So, whatever I do, there is always someone to judge me. Before I tried to please everyone, but now I know it's impossible. Now, I do things that feel right. At least they feel right at the moment.
I think rasing the kids is the hardest job there is. I'm looking up to people, either mom or dad, who can stay home and do this job. This is the REAL job. You can't fail it, you can't get fired, you can't quit if you dont like it! There is no vacation or sick days either :)
I dont have kids yet, but I'm looking forward to be a parent, although I'm scared to death :)
30 Aug 2007 2:48pm
@alla: thanks alla,for reading and encouraging! lol,you said you are scared to death abt being parent,for me,it is,'Darn,what on earth did i get myself into??!!'haha. But it is really a 24/7 job,like u said,no pay,no perks nor medical benefits,lol,but not without its joys.So i tell myself,it all comes in a package,if i want the joys of parenting,i have to take the shit as well.
Rabbit from Richmond, United States
You know i'm 30 - i'm often asked why have i not settled down and had some kids. My response to this IS. If i have kids i want to be home to raise them. DO we REALLY have to wonder Why kids have such crappy attitudes? well we can't expect the nanny (who can only correct our children to a certain extent) to do all our dirty work for us. AND yes that is what i think of NANNY'S that we choose them to do the dirty work for most parents. -not to say, if that is what you have to do i understand and its ok- but if thats your choice DONT chastise someone else for staying at home with their kids. Heck i bet they will have better behaved and more mannered kids than YOU anyway.
I think they are just JEALOUS! totally jealous that you get to spend all your days at home (little do they understand how much WORK that actually is)
Cheers to you,
Be - yourself for its to hard to try and be someone else ;)
rabbit
by the way - i like your layout of your papers in the photo - tiz a great message.
30 Aug 2007 3:18pm
@Rabbit: thanks Rabbit! I am really very touched that you read my VERY long post and posted such kind and encouraging words.You are right, sometimes we rather pay someone else to do the dirty work. After i stayed at home,i realise what an awesome task parenting is!Teach the child values,what is right and wrong---how can u leave this to someone you dont even trust/dont share the same philosophy as you?And as much as i refused to admit when i was working,the nanny who spends most of the day with my older son,has most influence over him.So there is double standards when we bring him home after work.Now i see him,he seems such a more balanced and happy child. But its tough,lots of shit work.House that is never clean,toys food strewn all over the floor,sometimes the boys cry at the same time,sometimes the things they do really get on your nerves..then it dawned upon me what a easy life i was having when i was working and paying someone else to do the shitty work!haha.
Nancy from Singapore
Jia-you! I'm going to 'join' you as a SAHM when we move to Australia. Hope I can still maintain my sanity....:p
30 Aug 2007 3:50pm
@Nancy: haha,when are you moving?So exciting, but scary too,far from loved ones. Law almost landed a teaching job in Jarkarta, really wanted to get out of this place for a while,you know what i mean? Anyway din work out,but might as well la. Perhaps a blessing in disguise.But i really dont mind Australia man.haha. Anyone moving with you to help?Maid?mil?I think a lot of it is psychological.
yunhann from Singapore
You are moving to australia??? noooooooo... another great teacher gone.. well.. i might join you soon.. mummy sending me to australia for studies... anyway... i've always thought of you as a great mom giving up your job for your kids.. though i am still very jealous of caleb and ian... (they stole mdm chee from me!!!).. haha... might drop by on monday... will sms you.. takecare.... and.........
HAPPY TEACHERS DAY!!!
LOVE YA!!!
30 Aug 2007 4:29pm
@yunhann: no la,but i do wish to go you know.Ask your mom whether she wants a maid to tag along with you to cook and take care of you?then can consider employing me,i am very versatile you know,haha.So when is your mom planning to send u to australia?after secondary?then we must keep in touch ya! Its nice to see you grow up! Sure,you sms me,i have the photos all ready for you!
Rebecca from Leicester, United Kingdom
Hi again babe :) thanks so much for coming by and leaving such wonderful comments on my site too. it's been quite a special day. i left another reply for you too. :-)
30 Aug 2007 5:29pm
Dawn Sutherland from Phoenix, United States
Tyan, I can feel your frustration and it is the same frustration that stay at home mothers feel everywhere. I am glad to hear you speak out! I recently quit my full time job so that I could make my kids higher on the priority pole of life. It has been such a blessing to spend more than 2 hours a day with my kids. I always hated having someone else's influence raising my kids but recently we made a decision that our kids need us so we cut back our lifestyle and you are right it is a sacrifice but hopefully it will make the difference in the end. Cheers my friend, may God bless you and your family. Keep up the great work, hold your head high and don't let the nay-sayers get to you. In your heart you know you are doing the right thing for your family! Much love...
30 Aug 2007 6:11pm
@Dawn Sutherland: thanks so much,fellow Domestic Goddess(from you:))...for your very kind and loving words..thanks for reminding me to hold my head high.Recently its been so low i am drooping to the floor....you know u are doing the right thing,but what it natural to do--taking care and raising our own children--has become unnatural and frowned upon.The working mother in power suit makes head turn,and the aspiration of many,endorsed by government.The svelte lady in the advertisements make heads turn.slim figures and all. The lonely mother labours at home.Frowned upon and governments silently disapprove.it is a road less travelled.and i am happy to ave you as companion:)
Lala from Long Sault, Canada
Tyan...I saw your post on rabbit's page, and I am so glad I came to peek...
I have been a SAHM for 12 years and have an almost 12 and an 8 year old. I have had the joy of experiencing everything you described above and have lived through it, not yet having hurt anyone ;). It is frustrating and it is done for so many reasons - jealousy, lack of experience, naivite, difference of priorities or stage of life...so many reasons.
All I can add to the wisdom shared above is that is has been so worth it to me and my kids and my husband for me to have stayed home all these yers. It has not always been a joyride ( every child and family has their challenges ) but it has enriched my children's lives and my own. I am so thrilled to have been able to do it. I am at a stage, this very moment, where mine are old enough to let go a little bit...and it is so exciting!! I am back to school next Wednesday ( forthe first time in 16 years ) , with my children's approval ( they actually came to my student advising today,LOL) and I can barely contain myself!
I guess, in a way, I am proving to some of my peers that staying home was not enough by returning to the "real" world ( well, at least the academic world...) and I know my mom is going to be thrilled that I am finally "fulfilling my potential" and my supervisor at CAS ( where I volunteer ) is thrilled because she can not imagine a "woman of my talents staying home" ( which talents???)...
Nah...I am still coming home to my first priorities everyday :)
Thank you for opening up such an obviously relevant topic with your photo...
30 Aug 2007 8:39pm
@Lala: Thanks Lala,for coming by and sharing your experiences with me. I admire you,because you chose to serve your family first and waited before you go into career again.I am looking forward to the day i can,like you,look back and say that the years i spent at home were years WELL SPENT.thanks lala!
Vanessa from Kent, United Kingdom
((((((((((SAHM)))))))))) heres a group hug to all you SAHM, fab topic Tyan xxx
30 Aug 2007 10:11pm
Bron from Canberra, Australia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I like that tyan - it's really the key to life. Believe in what you do, and ignore nay-sayers. The years with my little children were the most precious treasure I have and the connections I made with them are life-long. They are fine young men, more interested in culture, kindness, social connection and love than money, stress, and acquiring fashionable junk that ends up in landfill.
They are the proof of the pudding :))))
30 Aug 2007 10:36pm
@Bron: thank you very much Bron,you just gave me more strength to go on!:)
MaryB from Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Tyan, I agree whole heartedly with all the comments above, stay strong, it will all be worth it in the end :)
30 Aug 2007 11:17pm
kairospix from Singapore, Singapore
hey, sorry i haven't been visiting lately...
i'm glad the quotations have in some ways helped you deal with your encounters with others who are not so sensitive nor supportive of your role as a SAHM...
i have a hunch who might that "somebody" be who asked you that question "So are you finally going back to work?"...it's tough
i sense and understand your frustration... it's not easy...
but you know what? as much as these "nay-sayers" are entitled to their opinions so it is with you too - who's there to say that their opinion is better than yours or others? one woman's meat may be another woman's poison but many forget that the reverse it entirely true too!
i think it's good that you are talking and sharing all these as it helps you think through and crystallize your convictions which i think it's absolutely wonderful and i like how you encapsulate it in your final quote by Jim Elliot who happens to be one of heroes :)
the version of that quote i have on my table is "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
no one can really rob you of your dignity if you don't let them - even when you may have your own doubts...
Mother Teresa struggled with doubts for years but she hung on even when things seem to go against how she feels and I’m sure she had quite a number of detractors to deal with…
hang in there!
31 Aug 2007 3:16am
@kairospix: its ok kai,i wont hold it against you even if u dont visit,and i am very touched you came by though you are very busy!THANKS! I think you have lots of knowledge and wise words in your bag,and i have been touched by many of them,so thanks again!Blogging has become my way of letting out,its like screaming at the roaring waves,feels good after that,all the time,lol.Have to do it for my sanity's sake,since it is very rude to 'talk back'.So i just got t keep quiet when critics speak and then let out somewhere else.Even a spiritual 'giant' as Mom Theresa struggled,now at least i am aassured i am not 'abnormal'!
ps thnks for your very tactful correction of Jim's quotation,i ave changed it accordingly..You know,his life was the main reason i studied what i studied in uni,language and translation..he and elisabeth are godly giants i look up to in my teenage years
Shiyun from Singapore
Hey ya... hang in there! I think one of the movers and shakers of today's society are MOTHERS!!! And specifically, SAHM! And you are one of them!
31 Aug 2007 3:24am
@Shiyun: movers and shakers?wah sounds like earthquakes!hope it doesnt have anything to do with my weight.lol.please send regards to E-mom,and a kiss each to edgar,elijah and evan.Next daughter can be evangeline,esther,estella,blah blah blah!
Nancy from Singapore
I'm leaving, earliest this end year, latest after CNY next year.
Yun Hann can come and help me babysit my kids...then her parents will be assured that she'll be safe. :p
31 Aug 2007 3:29am
@Nancy: man this year end!So fast!Can we meet once before you leave PLEASE!I am gonna miss your sunshine smile! :)))))))))))) So i presume u will be alone with the kids when calvin work?its good exposure while the kids are young,and this will be a fantastic time to bond. You will be sane! By the time you go,Rob will be turning 3 and Marcus is already 1 plus,mobile and much more manageable. I think i will miss you guys,please continue to blog when u go there.How long will u be there?so got to quit from your current job?
Rags from Plano, United States
Gosh Tyan, you have alot of passion about taking care of your kids! For that i really admire you. Everyone has weighed in their 10,000 cents and so i wont say much. All i will say is that i really admire you for the choices you have made.
31 Aug 2007 4:06am
@Rags: thank you rags for your very kind encouragement. I do what my heart tells me to and honestly it is a heart's battle every single day.
yunhann from Singapore
theres a chance to be after secondary.. gosh.. i thought should be my mummy ask you if you would like an extra helper with your kids... i dun think i am dat bad with the young ones you know.. plus.. i'm independent!! i don't need a maid!! haha.. oh well... takecare.. see you this friday.. happy teachers' day again!!
31 Aug 2007 2:21pm
@yunhann: thanks my dear!You can go help Mrs Lam with her kids..haha,will visit u when i can?going overseas on your own is not easy,but can be a very wonderful experience.Keep me in the loop ya?;)see u this fri!:)
Markus from Reading, United Kingdom
Hi tyan, I think people who say silly things like saying you waste your talent or other stupid things are just bonkers. It's no wonder that a great part of the youth today gets more and more out of control as there aren't enough parents who show them their limits or who, I dare say, bring them on a path of respecting other people as human beings as well as their life and property. IMHO, the lesser and lesser a family bonds together due to a nurturing parent (or both) is going back to work way too early (only a year at most after having a newborn) is really endangering our whole societies wherever we are on this planet. Arrgh, I could write endless stories about this.
Tyan, do what you think is best for your kids and your family!!
2 Sep 2007 7:35pm
@Markus: thank you so much Markus for responding in this manner.Your words just gave me more strength to go on doing what i think is best for my family.I cant say staying at home is something i naturally want to do because there are just so much temptations out there,the love of money,recognition,fame....stayin at home,looking after the kids and fading into obscurity just doesnt seem to fit in. But you are right,i believe our generation of children are deteriorating because they do not receive proper guidance,love and emotional security.
thanks for your support,markus:)
