Tyan's Photoblog
If it’s a struggle, why don’t you GIVE UP!
Posted by tyan (Singapore, Singapore) on 3 October 2007 in People & Portrait.
Written by Tyan's husband(Guest appearance)
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I remember watching Will Smith in “ The Pursuit of Happiness”. He struggled a lot just so he could feed his son and have a roof over their heads. He finally got a job as a trader and it ended well. His goal was happiness.
Are Tyan and myself happy? No, not all the time. Maybe not even most of the time. Are we masochists who reject happiness? No, cos we believe it is a gift of God, just that it may not be in such great abundance this side of heaven.
So when well meaning friends tell Tyan to quit staying at home and go back to work because it is too much of a struggle, we get rather vexed. No, I am not a sadist husband. I happen to know my wife works harder now than when she is working and also believe her sanity is very important. So we ask ourselves why we are struggling so hard for?
These days, we don’t taste food, we gobble them down with our eyes on our kids. We don’t hear sermons, we turn up in church so we can stay in touch till the kids grow up. We don’t have time to read the Bible till the kids sleep (and provided we can still keep awake). No, we don’t have a maid cos we want to teach them ourselves and because we are on a single income. No, we don’t believe it is the same hugging our kids and seeing them 2 hours a day versus staying with them the whole day.
It is our hope that our kids will grow up to love and trust God, love people and be men of integrity. The most common argument is that our parents fostered us out as well, and we turned out fine so why be so hard on ourselves? Well, because family was closer-knitted then and the community helped instill values in the kids but not anymore. Kids do not grow up being honest by chance. And they do not listen to you just because you are their father but because you spend time and care for them.
I teach in a school. Teachers lament the generation nowadays have no respect for authorities and do everything asking what’s in it for them. I know why, it’s because no one taught them before they came to school. Maids do not teach that. I am the form teacher of an academically challenged class. A lot of them come from single-parent families. Others have grandparents at home who have no control over the kids. A lot have parents who are seldom in Singapore or at home because they are busy earning money so their kids can have a “better life”(some have no choice but many have).
So my point? Tyan is staying at home because we believe when God gave us children, he wants us to be responsible to bring them up. It’s not evangelizing a third world nation, it’s not pastoring a church, but feeding, cleaning, loving, praising, scolding , setting an example till the kid follows God. It’s tough work.
Press on dear.
rainsocks from Singapore
Yes, press on tyan. You have the most understanding and supportive husband and 2 beautiful kids. That's all that matters, isn't it? Only you know what's best for yourself and your babies. I think you should print many copies of this and give it out to anyone who says anything negative abt you staying at home. haha.
Forget abt trying to win them over! Surround yourself with like-minded people and great stay-home mothers (like me!! haha) and feel good abt yourself. Maybe I have it easier becoz' I actually get more than a handful of people coming over and giving me a pat on the back for staying home to take care of Jamie. And for those who criticise, I just tell them to get lost.
I admire you for being able to handle so much with just 1 pair of hands in that mere 24hrs a day. Press on, tyan and your wonderful hubby.
3 Oct 2007 5:31am
@rainsocks: thanks so much RS for your encouragement. Maybe one of these days,i will bring my boys over to your place for a WII game,haha. btw few weeks back we went to a friend's place,he also had the nintendo wii,then a friend was playing the bunny series game,and the bunny looked really hideous,ian watched and couldnt sleep well that night,haha.
kairospix from Singapore, Singapore
What a great b&w shot of two cute dudes who have two great hard working parents doing their best to raise them up well!
To Daddy Law - what a wonderful thing you have done for being such a supportive husband to Mommy Tyan; you are living up to your marriage vows! just thought i would share a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product." Though it's tough and a struggle to bring up your two sons well, the by-product one day when you and tyan step back and look back would be happiness. :) Press on!
To Mommy Tyan - Many a times we cannot control what other people say and sometimes these can be pretty insensitive and unempathetic. But we can always choose how we respond. Just continue to do what you and Daddy Law believe is the right thing to do. Remember this quote? - ""Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." :)
To both Daddy and Mommy: Just keep at your good effrots at building up your family. Press on! Happy Family Day!!!
3 Oct 2007 7:27am
@kairospix: thank you so much Kai!I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. I think we have to learn to live with criticism and such from people,we cant possibly live in isolation. Its tough, but may God continue to strengthen our weak knees and faint hearts.
Nancy from Singapore
I must let Calvin read this. It's easier to communicate when the daddy is also in the education field cos they would understand why it's impt that the mummy (daddy if he chooses to) to be a SAHM/ SAHD. Those who work in the private sector don't see the brats/bengs/lians we come across in schools nowadays. What makes it worse is when you get grandparents (not my own parents definitely) who spoil-rotten their grandkids. Even sadder is when the parents think earning money is more impt than spending time with the kids.
I'm sure Caleb and Ian will appreciate what both of you have done and will be doing for them. Cheers!
3 Oct 2007 8:51am
@Nancy: haha,your 'What makes it worse is when you get grandparents (not my own parents definitely) who spoil-rotten their grandkids' got deep meaning?:p
actually i do struggle with that sometimes,the money issue.You know,having money to buy things for them,what if next time they compare with their friends,what they have or dont have...i read a quotation somewhere that said,'a set of swings that costs $56 brings as much fun to a 3 year old as a little green worm.' i just hope the boys know what is really important in life next time.thanks,you are so encouragin,feel free to let Calvin read this.
Viewfinder from Bradenton, United States
This is a powerfully written piece. Tyan, your husband and you seem to have a real handle on what is truly important. He has written a most powerful composition on what it means to be a parent of faith in times like these. Our Master taught us that if we are to be great in the Kingdom, we must be servants -- we must sacrifice on behalf of others. What greater example of this than in the family itself? It starts there. If I may, I would like to use your husband's thoughts in my own church, to teach young parents here about what that can look like, and how it can feel. Picking up our crosses, we press on and follow. Family first. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
3 Oct 2007 11:00am
@Viewfinder: thank you so much Uncle VF,for your very wonderfully kind words. It brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.In this time and age,it seems so much more difficult to sacrifice,at least not out of one's comfort zone. So it has been so hard,both doing it and finding like-minded companions on this road less travelled. Feel free to use hub's thoughts in your church,we are happy that it comes in handy:)
Takiyah from Snellville, United States
Tyan, your husband is so supportive. I'm a SAHM too and yes the comments can be discouraging when you feel you're in the minority. Mothering really is hard work. But I admire that you all are doing what you feel God wants for your family. I know He will continue to take care of and bless your family greatly because of your sacrifice. I pray you be strengthened, encouraged, and find joy in Him everyday as you press on in this season of your life. God bless:)
3 Oct 2007 6:46pm
Rebecca from Leicester, United Kingdom
Wow, may I say a sincere Amen! to what VF and Takiyah have said, and also to what your dear husband Law has written, dear babe. I can see both of you share and hold deep convictions on this. Bravo to the both of you!! May God truly bless you and your dear ones always, dear tyan. And may His wonderful presence be with you both, and Caleb and Ian every step of the journey, now and always. You remain in our thoughts and prayers. :)
3 Oct 2007 7:30pm
Markus from Reading, United Kingdom
Hi, I don't know what else to say, agree with all of the above! Keep it up guiding your children into a life of tolerance, respect, goodwill + showing them that there are limits which have to be accepted.
May I dare to ask one question: Do all of you teach your children that everybody is Gods child, that God loves everybody or do you tell them that there are exemptions like the ones who are called abominations or told they are ill?
3 Oct 2007 9:03pm
Bron from Canberra, Australia
I'm with Markus tyan and Law - the work you do is more important than lots of money and when your boys grow up you will reap the benefits in love a million fold (and the fun of being with growing kids is fantastic. This time won't come again - enjoy!)
When our boys were little I started a book in which I wrote a lot of the funny/wise/sad things thay said. It's the family's greatest treasure now - just yesterday Toby was reading parts of it to his girlfriend. It's a direct connection between our babies, us and the wonderful young adults we enjoy today!!
3 Oct 2007 9:23pm
Rags from Plano, United States
Tyan, the love of you life (your husband) really cares a lot about you!
Since i do not have children i cannot begin to imagine what tough decisions a parent has to make in the hope that they will raise children who will be an asset to themselves, their family, and their community. There are more that a thousand ways to raise children and maintain a family. You and your husband have chosen the way you have chosen and i applaud you for that.
Please Tyan, don't be like Lots wife and look back. Its not worth it. Instead the both of you should press on as ONE because you became one when you exchanged vows.
We (photobloggers) will tell you what we think, but what we say is just opinion. In reality, what matters is what you and the love of your life think, talk about and decide. I cannot begin to imagine how your husband must feel when he comes home to you crying, or frustrated. I really do admire his tenacity, and boldness to be the soul bread winner. In him i have found someone whom i look up to. In you tyan i have found someone who is wiling to be the best mother, wife and friend. I admire you too!
4 Oct 2007 12:50am
Stunner from Kingston, Jamaica
This is a cute shot! I'll have to come back to read your post, I'm so tired!
4 Oct 2007 4:41am
Seaphine from San Francisco, United States
Spending time with each other and your children is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself.
4 Oct 2007 5:20am
Rabbit from Richmond, United States
Awww - my dearest dears. i smile at your words of bravery. It is as i have agreed before harder to stay home with your children, but the reward of having good, honest, respectable, obedient, and loving children is priceless. This is coming from a girl of 30 who does not have children.
However, i was raised by my mom who stayed at home while my dad went to work. I can see the difference between how i see the world and how my friends who did not have the opportunity to have their mom or dad stay home with them as much as i did, i see how they see the world.
When co-workers friends ask when am i going to settle down & have children? My answer is "When i can stay home and raise them".
Be brave in your choice it is a priceless gift of a loving family.
4 Oct 2007 11:58am
Suby & Sinem from Milton keynes, United Kingdom
Wow a husband as passionate as I am when the wife is concerned, one does not see that often.
I had a similar rant on one of my blogs a while back, (I will not direct you there cause the image may offend your Christian beliefs) but I absolutely feel where you are coming from.
You have a lovely family, they are number 1 in your life, they are they reason you wake up every day, so as long as you guys have a smile not only on your face & hearts, keep on pushing and trucking :)
I took a huge huge step to give up a very well paid & hectic 9-5 (more like 8-8) job to start building a life for my wife and I as a professional photographer so we will be involved with our kids when the good Lord deems us worthy to bless us with children. My wife dreams of one day been a stay at home wife, looking after the kids and having the time to what she wants when she wants. I am working hard to give her this dream :)
Suby
4 Oct 2007 1:03pm
sincheroo from Singapore
Alright alright, I mucked up...I'll keep my mouth shut next ti...mphhhhh!!!!
4 Oct 2007 3:17pm
@sincheroo: man,you know this is not coming against you right? its just a general response to MANY people who told me to go back work,so dont take this personally ya.Anyway,i knew u were joking.Unless you were not??lol.
sincheroo from Singapore
Ok then. I totally agree with you that God wants us to be responsible in bringing our kids up, and that the community, or really the society, has a real part in influencing the values and morals of the next generation. Where parents are non-influential in a child's life in a society that is moral, it is arguable that societal norms will still have a positive influence on a child's life. However, where a government relinquishes the reins on morality because and resulting from the society's growing amorality and, consequentially, immorality, parents can hardly leave it to chance that kids will "turn out just fine". The balance in work and parenting is often a hard one to make, and I'm encouraged that you both are convinced of and determined for Tyan to be a SAHM in your family circumstances. Keep trusting then for the Lord to provide for all your needs and for a peace of mind for Tyan then! Journeying together :D
5 Oct 2007 10:14am
aggie from Singapore, Singapore
Hi, I don't have kids but when I was one, it made a world of difference to come home from school and find my mum at home with a delicious homemade meal ready for my hungry tummy. I kind of took that for granted but I can now fully appreciate the difference it has made on my life. We can't turn back the hands of time so for parents who make the decision to be there for their children, you have my utmost respect.
6 Oct 2007 5:39am
