Old Year Reflections

Posted by tyan (Singapore, Singapore) on 31 December 2007 in People & Portraits.

We went cycling yesterday!

I was imagining a tandem bike with a baby seat and when we reached East Coast Park yesterday,there really were such bikes available!

So we rented a tandem bike with a baby seat in front. Law took the front wheels,Caleb took the baby seat, I took the back seat with Ian in my sarong sling. And we cycled for an hour at the overcrowded ECP,and my we got rave comments!Haha,a lady drove past us and shouted,"I am impressed!"

Another just exclaimed 'WOW!'

We should have asked someone to take a pic of the four of us in one bike! I only managed one of Law testing out the bike before starting off.We both haven't been cycling for ages,so it was quite a major feat for us,LOL.

Anyway today is the last day of 2007.In the twinkling of an eye,one year has just flew past,literally!

Ian came in January and we also decided that I will stay at home for the little guys.

We read books and we were told that a child's formative years are extremely important and that it is very crucial that he has a consistent and loving caregiver who can give him the emotional and physical stability he needs to become a emotionally secure and happy individual.Of course another school of thought is that a child's schooling years are more important.Personally,i think both are important,meaning until the child reaches 18 years old. But it is not financially feasible for us,living in a highly developed city as Singapore and with Hub's modest pay,but we are pushing ourselves and be there for the kids as long as we can.

My childhood experiences as a child fostered out more or less caused me to decide to stay home.Changing from one nanny to another,hopping from one kindergarten to another,seeing my parents and siblings only during weekends,sometimes once a month,badly treated by my nanny and being deposited at different places,whoever was available,i feel, added to feelings of insecurity and cynicism.I wish my kids could grow being safe,secure in the knowledge that their parents did everything they could to give them a loving and secure environment to grow up in.

Though i really loved my job, i knew that while the time i spent at work meant little to the school, students and the vague name of 'education',it could mean the world to my boys.

I have discovered over the course of one year that being a stay at home mom is a decision that i make every day i wake up.There were many days when i felt helpless,depressed and even angry why i had to be the one to stay home. I had very few mommy chums and it was often a lonesome journey. As i was still a working mom after Caleb came,it was a huge transition for me when i stayed home. i was thrown into the daily rut of taking care of the 2 boys on my own,clean,cook,housework,teaching the boys and even giving tuition to make ends meet. Somebody told me i was doing a 5-person job. It was excruciatingly tiring,sometimes unrewarding,and often i was misunderstood,of not doing a better job of bringing up the kids,of not working,of leaving Hub to bring home the bacon alone.

With only a single income,there were many luxuries we had to forego. We do not have enough to employ a helper,or rather we didnt want to be dependent on one, and we couldnt buy expensive toys or clothes that caleb's friends have. But having said that, giving the boys all my time has given me immense satisfaction,no less. I stumbled,fell and grew in the process,paradigm shifts about what is really important and what is not. I realised that quality time is not one hour spent with the kids at the end of the day,but the exact moment when my children need me.

The coming year is a busier one than ever,with caleb going to school and learning new things,i have to guide him even more. Ian is turning one soon and he is exploring new things everyday.I have taken to giving more tuition to supplement our income and managing the household continues to be tedious on my own.

But we are contented,even though we are poorer now,because God has made us rich with our children,with the tears,the pain,the joy in the process of growing as a family. I sometimes think about how my life could be better,but realised i havent given thanks to God sparing me from what could be worse.